Medical school personal statement tips from the opposite side

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Things you should do for a guaranteed acceptance?

• Forget to edit out another school's name in your essay. In the same train of thought, you should not be bothered by actually answering each school's specific questions. Instead, simply write a generic essay about what you think they should know and send it to all schools.
  
• Have multiple grammatical and syntactic mistakes. Here are a few specific tips:
  
  
  
  

• Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
• Never use no double negatives.
• Use the semicolon properly, always where it is appropriate; and never where it is not.
• Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it where it is not needed.

For more examples go to the full list. (Almost forgot: U need 4 shoe 2 write in c00l chat lingo str8 off the net, I swear, the ad coms dig it)
• Make it crystal clear that you don't really care if they accept you, since they are not your first choice anyways. To be sure the admission committee knows 'who's the man', state that they should feel honored that you even applied.
• Write things that are not true, in great amounts, providing lots of colorful details. For example, mention you like Mozart and play piano, since it sounds much better than spending every other night playing Wii and listening to Kurt Cobain and Marilyn Manson.
• Make an emphasis on the how's, not the why's. For example, spend a whole paragraph describing exactly what you did during your volunteering (preferably providing a detailed schedule), and omit what you took out of it. Feelings and introspection are for sissies.
• Do not be afraid to brag. You did it, right? Why should you be ashamed of your own accomplishments?! Besides, every doctor I know is arrogant, this type of personality trait seems to give you that special extra edge before the admissions committee.
  
• Pick a controversial topic and make sure to take an uncompromising, unilateral stand on it. For example, say that you are for saving lives and that Jehovah's witnesses are all a bunch of unenlightened inbred retards in regards to blood transfusions. The ad coms will love a doctor who can defend his convictions when he is confronted by patients.
• If you have a bad grade/MCAT score, please do yourself a favor and use your essay to explain why. It would be such a shame if the ad coms did not know that the "F" in intro to fairy tales was your sister's fault - she just had to get pregnant at thirteen and get dumped by her boyfriend when you were taking that course/MCAT. As you see from my example, you get extra points if you blame your failure on someone else.
  
• Never let anyone else read your essay, because they either do not know you well OR they know very little about the admissions process. Their advice will not bring anything you haven't thought of for your application. If you do find somebody who possesses knowledge about both yourself and the application, make an extra effort to hide your essay from them. Obviously, they (or their friends/family) are also applying and they will use whatever you give them for their own draft. Consequently, it is a good idea to submit as soon as you finish typing the first draft - that way you can claim intellectual property on your literary masterpiece should there be a dispute.
  
• Here are some excellent reasons for becoming a doctor to use in your essay:
• Because my parents/close relatives are doctors.
  
• Because I loved ER/House/Scrubs/Grey's Anatomy and want to be just like them.
• Because I knew since I was little that all I wanted to do is be a doctor.
• Because I love people.
• Because I want to help people.
• Because as a doctor I will have employment security.
• Because I always wanted to give orders to other people and have them actually listen to me.
• Because I promised my girlfriend/boyfriend and now I don't want to back out.
• Because... Well, I don't really know why, I just thought it seemed cool and I ought to try it.
  
• etc...
• Buy a "Collection of the Best in the World Essays That Got Their Writers into Medical School" type of book, look for the most creative one, type it up (at this point you may use your name, if you wish; additionaly, you may wish to change some facts to make the story closer to your own life, but that is absolutely optional) and submit it.
  
• Use the thesaurus, for Christ's sake (because common everyday words just do not impress ad coms nowadays)! Here are a couple of words to get you started:
• gargantuan instead of large/huge
• interminable instead of endless/very long
• pulchritude instead of beauty
• tyro instead of beginner/novice
• Finally, under no circumstances should you visit or use the information provided below:
  
• http://books.google.com/books?id=W3gfDobI3MUC&lpg=PA87&ots=2E2NqxBWpX&dq=kaplan%2010%20mistakes%20to%20avoid%20personal%20statement&pg=PA87
• http://books.google.com/books?id=B6kS0Zcj0e4C&lpg=PA101&ots=a-gfTevBue&dq=kaplan%2010%20mistakes%20to%20avoid%20personal%20statement&pg=PA101
• http://www.essayedge.com/medical/essayadvice/course/ (this one requires a registration, so do not even bother wasting your time)
  
• http://www.petersons.com/common/article.asp?id=1009&path=gr.gs.advice&sponsor=1

In conclusion, if you have anything else you think others would benefit from, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. There are only so many spots for medical students in Canada, and you want to be one of them, right?